apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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