I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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