Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
