In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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