Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
