I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there's paper in my vomit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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