I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
