dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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