just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
