just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
