you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
