i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
