Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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