I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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