Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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