he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
