your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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