I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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