if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
