we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
