so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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