I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
