my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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