You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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