i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The uberlube is also flammable
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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