He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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