I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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