I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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