Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Best friends brother. Beat that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
