Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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