seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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