Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
