My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
