I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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