hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
