I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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