Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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