Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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