Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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