hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
