Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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