If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
