I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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