If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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