She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
