We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
