last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
