Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
