I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
