I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
