Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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