he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
