Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
