Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
