the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
