Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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