I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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