I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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